rambling on

Hmm.. I wonder what crap I should write about today..

Went for choir yesterday, as usual. The year ones and year twos had split practices on their own. And both group sounded like sai. Haha. Miss Lim is right. The music comm really cannot make it. I shudder to think what their practices will be like next week when Miss Lim is busy with SYF. At least Cherie seems to be doing a good job, and so is Jerry and CJ. The year ones do seem like a stronger batch. Hopefully they will keep that up for next year's competition.

We really have nothing to say to each other anymore? First thing out of your mouth is "How?". I'm sorry, I don't want to be merely your walking commentator on the choir. I'm sick of that. If the only thing you have for me is "How is the choir?" or "How do we sound?", then I've got nothing else to say. Ironically it was, I believe, such issues that first drew us together, or at least me to you. I remember it quite clearly, at the beginning of last year, while I was still struggling with my leadership position in the choir, while I was having trouble with coping, while I was having problems accepting the fact that not every one will have the same level of commitment and passion as myself, then you came along and I was immediately drawn, someone who was as crazy about these things as me. I guess they are right. Friendship shouldn't be based purely on shared activities. I thought there was more, but apparently I was mistakened. If the fact that we still talk sometimes is because I'm stil shamelessly plugging myself to the choir, then I guess we really do share nothing beyond it.

But isn't "biblical" friendship also based on the shared premises of our faith and love of Christ? Then again, I pretty much suspect that religiously speaking we are on different wavelengths, so it's not like it's gonna make much of a difference.

I'm just seeing all this as a failure on my part, as the quintessential example of my incapabilities as an engaging person. Have I really got nothing to say? Not really. There's always so much to say, so much to tell and share, or ask. Even just a simple recount of my day. Like being bullied by my upper-study at work. Or being praised for creating a more efficient system of doing things in the office. Or finding and reading a particularly interesting book. Or a special moment of bonding I shared with my family that is so rare and craved for. Or other mundane details of my life.

There must be something wrong with me. Twice before had the same thing happened to me. Now it's happening again with you. With all 3 it was, in my opinion, me who drew away. I can't explain it. All I can say is one moment I could talk with them about anything at all, and the next, just nothing, lost for words. Maybe I'm afraid. Maybe I just reached the end of my communicating abilities. Maybe I'm just tired.

Maybe that's why, for so long, I've been waiting for someone to come along, who, for a change, would ask me "How's my day" without it being a responsive action to my asking the same. Someone who talks without being first talked to. Maybe even someone who will ask me out instead of the other way round.

Some days I get the urge to just pick up the pen and start writing, reply the letter that I never did. It probably holds little significance to you, but to me you were the first person [out of two, so far] I've ever written a proper letter to. It was a bit discouraging to see "Take your time to reply" at the end, but I'm probably just too sensitive. I don't know why a never got round to replying the letter. Actually I did wrote half a reply, which is now still kept in my box of random stuff. You never chased me for it anyway, so I guess you didn't really care and I didn't really want to force myself upon others.

The second person is Wenlin, or rather, was, since the letters has since stopped. But she was the one who wrote me first, while I was sleeping in the store she wrote it and left it as a surprise on the table. Wenlin is funny. As in, not "humor" funny but "wierd" funny. I don't think we ever had a serious, engaging and deep conversation, which is quite wierd for me. Even when I was trying to talk about more "serious" stuff, like that time on MSN about faith and Christianity, you were still more or less talking like your usual self, which is mostly just spam and random words or phrases that don't really mean anything. Maybe that's not your usual self, but it's the only side of you I've ever seen. That's why you say you don't know me well, because after a few times of trying to talk "serious", over MSN or in the letters, or face to face, I just gave up trying. I can't say what the problem was, or is. Different wavelengths, I guess.

I think I've crapped just about enough.

By the way, Feli, your cookies ah... Still have room for improvement. Haha. Next time bake MORE la, grr...^__^

Feli, if you are reading this, you and I have a date with MSN Minesweeper. LOL. AND you owe me one for doing up your blog. How you gonna repay me huh, HUH!!? Bwahhaha =p

Sher, if you are reading this, you shouldn't be. Go and practice that 3rd movement NOW! Haha. You gonna go for their rehearsal at the conference hall? How bout SYF?

Qianjin, if you are reading this, take your time with the book =)

Cher, if you are reading this, I still miss your cookies/brownies/cakes. >_<

Honseng, if you are reading this..... Wait, you can't be, you're at Sungei Gedong. LOL.

Aud, if you are reading this, stop complaining about your class and accept it. God gave it to you for a reason, and a good one at that =)

And that's all folks.

{/10:29 AM}

me

Rachel's Tears

I just finished reading this book. I think it's an amazing book.

It's about a girl named Rachel Joy Scott, who was killed along with 1 teacher and 11 other students of Columbine High School on April 20, 1999. The book is written by her divorced parents, talking about the life of their daughter, showing us her life through all her personal journals, notes and writings that they only found after her death. Bah, I'm not doing justice to her by describing the book. The feelings it evokes are just indescribable. I encourage everyone to read it; I will gladly lend it out.

An excerpt, then, from one of her many poems:

--

People are crying,
Losing their minds.
People are dying,
Taking their lives.
Will anyone save them?
Will anyone help?
Will somebody listen,
Or am I all by myself?

Please reach out your hand,
Grab hold of their life.
Don't let go,
Without a good fight.
Witness to them,
Show them the way.
Give them God's love,
And give it today.

Please reach out your hand,
Grab hold of their life.
Open their eyes,
To His wonderful light.
Let them know,
Of His undying love.
That this comes only,
From Heaven above.

I sit here and tell you,
To go save a life.
But what am I doing,
To give that good fight?
I judge other souls,
Never checking my own.
Oh my Lord,
I should have known.

--

Another one of her writings, which really touched me:

--

What if you were to die today?
What would happen to you?
Where would you go?
Tomorrow is not a promise, but a chance;
It may not be there for you.
After death, then what?
Where will you spend your eternity?
Will you have an eternal life with our loving Father,
Or will you be ripped from the arms of your Savior Jesus Christ?
Eternity is in your hands...Change it!

--

Indeed.

{/12:46 PM}

me

anew..

Yes. I realise I have finally succumbed to the "dark side" by using blogger. Haha

I wanted to change out of my old template at diaryland. So I was browsing blogskins.com and and I found this template which I really liked so I tried converting the html to fit diaryland. But the FrontPage in my office computer is not working, forcing me to use Dreamweaver which I find really clumsy and irritating, so in the end I decided to just migrate over to blogger instead.

I shall update more later... Now is lunch time =D

{/11:49 AM}

me