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priceless

chyekeong
24.1.86

past

March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
August 2008

credits

Inspiration: my God.
Layout: raindrops25
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
sc[a]red

I'm scared.

Meeting with Junjie and Yuting and Chinyaw and Huacheng and Angela about alumni stuff. Went well, I guess. Can see that Junjie is very happy to be finally having people to share the responsibilities of the alumni with him. What I'm unsure of is what kind of a job we will do. Angela is, of course, super busy and stuff. Chinyaw is malaysian, and when he joins NTU choir he probably won't have much time left over for alumni. Huacheng, 1.5 years of NS to go. Lionel also. Moses also.

As for myself, I'm just filled with uncertainties. Suddenly I'm not so sure of myself anymore.

Will I be able to get people back for carolling? I told them, "Sure, no problem, I will get the year twos to come back", but will I really? Given my bad rep and infamous temper, I have serious doubts that anyone in the right mind would want to suffer under me ever again. In fact people HAVE told me that they have had enough of me. What if nobody comes back? It will be entirely my fault. I'm trying, and it's not easy. You think it's easy, going back to choir all these while? Wearing a thick skin and seeing all those weird looks from people, thinking that I have nothing better to do than to go back and disturb them? You think I enjoy shamelessly plugging myself to the choir, always bugging people about joining the alumni and coming for carolling? You think I don't feel out of place? Think again.

When I heard about the BBQ at Qianjin's place i thought, great, another chance to talk to those people about carolling, can use the chance to know the junior comm better also, share some experience, talk about plans for next year. But of course, I was told not to go. All the better, I guess. It is a new/old comm gathering anyway, what's an old outsider like me gotta do with that?

I dare say I have improved musically after spending time in HCV. But will that be enough? For the first time since I became SL 2 years ago, I am doubtful that I will be capable enough for the job. What if I can't do it? What if carolling is a flop because of me? I realise how easy it is to just sit in the background and criticise everybody on what they are doing wrong. Now that I am in charge, I'm no longer so sure of myself anymore. Be careful what you wish for, they say. Right. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who just can't wait for me to make a fool of myself.

I don't know how long I can keep holding on.


{/10:19 AM}
me


Thursday, May 26, 2005
div[i]ne exchange

My heart is captivated Lord by You alone
Captured by the awesomeness of You alone
Melted by the grace and mercy You have shown
I stand in wonder

I reach to You the one who makes the blind eyes see
Who breaks the chains of sickness with authority
Restoring what was broken
So we may fly again

I live to worship You
I breathe to worship You
All of my days
Your face I will seek

For as I worship You
You lead me to that place
To that place
Of divine exchange


{/3:01 PM}
me


Tuesday, May 24, 2005
to suff[e]r

"For if the dead are not raised, then Christ has not been raised either. And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men. " 1 Corinthians 15:16-19

More and more I begin to understand and realise that the Christian life is characterized by suffering.

I'll leave it to you readers to realise the shocking meaning of the above-quoted verse.

A lot to blog about, but my eloquence fails me.

Lord, strengthen me. Amen.


{/10:28 PM}
me


Saturday, May 21, 2005
am i dream[i]ng

Are dreams real?

Do they mean anything?

Do they reflect my deepest thoughts and desires?

Or do they depict the opposite of things to come?

Are they encouragement and comfort sent by God?

Or are they sorrows and pitfalls sent by satan?

Do they mean anything?

Or are they just another part of my overactive imagination?

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain
Telling me just what a fool I've been
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain
And let me be alone again

Rain please tell me now does that seem fair
For her to steal my heart away when she don't care
I can't love another
When my heart's somewhere far away


{/9:58 AM}
me


Wednesday, May 18, 2005
oh h[a]ppy days

Yay!

These few days have been happy days =D

Hmmm nothing much else to say other than that actually. Hah.

Monday practice was quite nice. I rushed in at 7:30, thought I was going to be late, but ended up the college choir was still practicing, eating into our time! By the time we started it was already 8. We sounded much better than on Saturday. =)

Yesterday watched VJChoir concert. Wasn't THAT impressive, although there were some nice moments. I only really liked 3 songs out of the entire program though, so that sums up to $7 per song. Yikes.

Sigh. Why NJ no concert!! >_<

Never mind, still got carolling =D

I'm still in a very happy mood. Even though I am being abused left right and center in the office. Haha.

Tata, boss calling me!


{/3:31 PM}
me


Sunday, May 15, 2005
n[o]n-conformist

I have always comtemplated about having a private blog where I can just pour out my feelings without feeling restrictive or anything. I have done that a few times, locking my blog with passwords and stuff. Then I realise that it was all quite pointless. If nobody reads then why do I bother to write things down when I can just keep them to myself? Having a blog is precisly for the sole reason of using it as an alternative of having a close friend to pour everything out to. Not as if I will be going through my archives very often. And it's quite stupid to tell people "I've got a blog, but it's private nyah nyah!!". Oops. No offence to people with private blogs. That's just my own take on things.

So I'm just going to continue writing everything here. Some things can't be said, but as much as possible everything I type here will be from my heart and with as little holding back as I can. Sometimes my words can be harsh, or might say some things that may hurt some people. I figure that if the friendship is strong enough then it should be able to last no matter what I write.

Recently I had some problems in the office. I really saw it coming, because I know myself well. All the bad feelings and signs finally amounted to a confrontation. I'll spare the details but basically I said something that the person thought was very rude. I seriously thought it wasn't that rude, maybe just a bit, but I'm never the sort to sugar coat my words anyway. Anyway he blasted me and pointed his finger at me and kept spurting about how I was being rude and not respecting him as a senior and then going on to personal attacks like how he's always been getting along well with everyone else and how I was being a prick and all that. I apologised THREE times, and still he rambled on and on and started threatening me like asking me to watch out and stuff. I finally couldn't stand it anymore so I just ignored him. The next day my upper study talked to me in an attempt to calm things down, and he pointed out how some other people have been complaining about my attitude and how I was being anti-social and stuff. Which I kinda expected it anyway.

Anyway I couldn't care less whether or not I "fit in" to the rest of them. If I can be friends, good. If not, I'll settle for a purely professional relationship with them for the rest of my NS days. I'm not particularly keen on being "buddy-buddy" with people whose vocabulary is mostly limited to swear words and the occasional hokkien varieties. Especially the "christians" who seem to be equally vulgar. Really irritates me. I'm not saying I'm not vulgar. I used to be VERY vulgar. Now I try to control myself as much as I can, to really think before speaking, to control my temper and not swear on impulse and regret it later. It's not easy but I trust in God. Anyhow, I am so NOT going to "go with the flow" and start swearing and cussing just so I can "fit into the crowd" and be "less anti-social". I hate being something or someone I am not. If this leaves me friendless in the office for the rest of my 2 years then so be it. I shall seek comfort in the Lord.

I realise I am not a very popular person. Once upon a time I was extremely concerned about my "popularity" because I enjoy attention from people. It's a ego thing. It feels good to be in the center of attraction. It feels good when people praise you. It feels good to be appreciated and thanked for something or another. It feels good to know that people think alot of you. It feels good to know that you are important to people. But then I soon realised that my personality is such that it attracts a lot of hatred from people. I have been told that I am dao. I have been told that I am scary. I have been told that I am anti-social and non-cooperative. I have been told that I am proud to the point of being a prick. I have been told I am insensitive and rude. I have been told that I am irritating and annoying. It used to bother me a lot, and I have tried to be somebody I was not in front of others so that I would be more accepted. But now I no longer care much what other people think of me. Maybe they are right. I am anti-social and I am a prick. Maybe they are wrong. It doesn't matter. People who know me well and accept me as I am shall be people I treasure as close friends for the rest of my life.

Of course it is not easy to know me. I have people telling me they don't know me even after being friends with me for some time. I do not deny; I don't open up easily. It just feels very unsafe to open up to people. I don't like people to know me very well because I think that is quite scary. I will feel very vulnerable if somebody really knows me inside out, what I'm thinking and stuff like that.

Of course there are some people who knows me better than others, people whom I feel safer opening up to. Ashleigh knows me pretty well, I think. Enid used to know me pretty well, but that's all in the past already, which I very much regret, but I guess we have gone on with our different lives. Zhiwei knows me somewhat well. More towards the end of last year, where we started to talk more. Before that we never really talk much, him busy with canoeing and me with choir. Shermy used to know me well, back in the choir days I guess. Nowadays not much. Audrey doesn't know me well. Wenlin doesn't know me well either, even though I used to talk a lot to aud and even exchanged a bunch of letters with wenlin. I guess it's because what we talk about is always those pointless and mundane stuff, basically what we call "talking cock" which is quite pointless in my opinion. I much prefer serious conversations please.

There may be more but I won't keep listing. I'm not blaming anyone or what, just stating things. It feels GOOD to know that there are people who know me well, or well enough. I know that contradicts with what I said before but life is like that.

That being said I also try to know other people well, to step beyond the boundaries of casual friendship. But it's not an easy thing with me, because I am not the kind that can just walk up to anyone and strike conversations. It's a self-confidence issue, I guess. It's always "I don't think he'll want to talk to me about that", or "I think she is finding me boring/irritating/insert-negative-feeling-here".

Ahhh its past 1am already and I don't know what I am rambling on and on about.

Singing at Somerset MRT was fun.

I still can't believe she thinks she has let me down and that she's not a good enough friend to me. It's quite an insult, to both of us, I think. Friendship shouldn't be based on such things. Friends should never feel in debt to one another. Friends should never be stuck in the perpeptual cycle of trying to live up to one another's "expectations". Friendship should never be about "maybe I'm not being a good enough friend", or "I'm not doing enough as a friend". I am quite sad that after so long we still don't have that kind of mo4 qi4 that close friends should have. The understanding and connection. Maybe we're not as close as I think we are. If that's the case I hope to change that.

I am going to sleep. My head feels like there's an earthquake happening inside.

If you understood ZERO of what I wrote in this post, congrats, you are normal. I think if Sharon Phua reads this she will fail me for coherance and relavance. Hah.


{/12:36 AM}
me


Monday, May 09, 2005
wa[i]ting



It seems like life is all about waiting.


Waiting for ORD. Waiting to enter university. Waiting for friends. Waiting for love. Waiting to be heard. Waiting to be wanted. Waiting to live the rest of your life. Waiting for people to make the first move. Waiting for enemies to make the wrong move. Waiting for friends to lend a helping hand. Waiting for presents and words of encouragement.


And more important things. Waiting to serve others. Waiting to do the best I can. Waiting to develop to my fullest potential. Waiting for the second Coming. Waiting to die, and live again.


Death seem to be the more visible these few days.


I almost fell to my death while walking out of HCJC at 10pm where there was no lights.


Our former president died of old age.


Nat's friend, suicide.


Sher's relative, sickness [I think?].


It is true. Life is fragile. More fragile than it may seem. Which is why it is all the more important where we place our trust and hope. We are weak. Only Jesus is strong. We cannot depend on ourselves, but we can depend on Him. He is our anchor and our strength. He is the source of our Power. The message of the Cross is the POWER of GOD [1 Corinthians 1:18]. He is our only hope and salvation. By grace we are given eternal life. When we have faith in that, the fragile nature of life is no longer an issue. It is not meant to be eternal anyway. But rest your hopes in the Lord, and you will be given eternity to spend by His side.


Nat, rest assured, your friend is in Heaven. Suicide is wrong, but it is not unforgivable. Salvation is by grace through faith in Jesus Christ, not by works [Ephesians 2:8]. HE does not grant temporary eternal life, but permernant eternal life. One sin of suicide will not undo what Jesus did at the Cross. Jesus bore ALL sins, including suicide.


I do admit, I am afraid of dying. At the same time I look forward to spending eternity in Heaven. It is quite conflicting, I'm afraid. I believe it is not my time yet. There is still more Work to be done. Opus Dei is not finished in me.


Had a bad medical review today. I promise [complete with the pinky-swear thingy o_O] that I will take better care of myself.


At the same time I pray for myself and all of my friends, that our healths be taken care of by the Lord our God. Watch over us, Father. Restore and rejuvenate us; heal and protect us; mold and use us; bless and keep us. I pray by faith that Your Grace be with us always.


Amen.




{/10:24 PM}
me


Sunday, May 08, 2005
temptat[i]on



Another week flew by. I don't know why other NS people keep complaining, but I really find that my time in NS really passes very quickly. Maybe it's because my unit is slack compared to others. Mwahaha. Week after week I just sort of "skid" by. I guess when my upper-study ORDs and leaves me alone it will be a different story. My new boss is coming in, which I absolutely dread. More red tape to handle, yay.


Saturday was fun. Needed to go extend my passport for the Malaysia trip, so woke up earlier than normal, which isn't very early so to speak. Anyway reached there and it was like super crowded. But no choice so queued. When it was my turn, I discovered to my HORROR that I had left my 11B in the office's OA computer!! [11B = IC] I was like, damn, all the queueing for nothing. And you know how irritated those people usually are, especially on a Saturday and nearing knock-off time. But the lady was VERY kind, and allowed me to prove my identity with the thumbprint machine. Thank God!


Headed over to PS for lunch. Went over to Barang Barand to pay Edwin a visit. He even tried to sell me furnitures. Lol. Then I left for practice at HC. Quite slack, actually. Combined sectionals a bit, den combined a bit. It was nice to sing with Miss Lim again. And singing those old songs like "Bogoro" and "Tsubasa" really brings back many memories and emotions. HCV does sound pretty good, for a bunch of people that just finished their exams. Hah.


Met Wei while crossing the bridge. Talked for a bit. He still hasn't changed much. Got shortlisted for both Medical and Dentistry interview. Crapped a bit about NS stuff. Talked about deferment, which I am quite seriously thinking about. Talked about God and stuff. He's still been going to Jin's church, but have not been saved yet. I really pray that I can help him.


Anyway wasn't watching the time so I thought I was going to be late and cabbed down to Somerset. Wasted $6.30. I reached there SECOND. Bah. Should have taken bus and made them wait. Mwahaha. Ok that's too evil. Nice to see Honseng and Auddie again though =) We waited outside the Ramen place for more than 30 minutes before we got to go in. I think the time we spent eating was less than the time we waited. There was a brief talk about watching "Kingdom", but as expected, it was only talk. Not that I blame them. We were walking around aimlessly after eating. Wanted to go TCC but it was full. Walked over to Taka and shopped around. Went over to Coffee Bean but it was closing. So they decided to go home. I really didn't felt like going home. But oh well, go with the flow.


There's more. Maybe later tonight. Taa for now~


---


Back.


Tuition is irritating me. Like, seriously. He never does my homework. Everyweek I go there I feel like a useless bum collecting $200 per month for nothing. I just sit down and watch him do homework. He doesn't even make the effort to think. Everything I also spoonfeed. Argh. Driving me crazy.


I would seriously rather teach someone who works as hard as I do for free than to teach someone who is lazy and unwilling for money.


The other day, I went home with a freaking headache and still dug out my Chemistry textbook and revised my Acid-Base Equilibria, just because someone said she had questions on that topic to ask me. In the end she didn't, like I expected. Sigh. Sometimes I think I am worrying for nothing. Sometimes I feel stupid.


I think I shall just stop asking. There's no point. It feels as if I am trying to force myself on others. How egoistic is that? The egoism must be oozing out of my pores. The offer is still going to be dangling there, but you damn well be sure that I am not going to go around begging people to let me help them with their studies.


Watched Kingdom of Heaven. It's so not worth the $10 [$15, plus drinks and all]. Orlando Bloom is not a very good actor. There isn't really much of a plot. The fighting scenes are all very LOTR-ish. Bah. Lucky I watched alone and never drag anyone along. Wasting my own money is bad enough, let alone waste other's money. Haha.


So.


In the end I didn't make it to go church with Wei and Jin. I was so angry and frustrated at myself, I sat on my bed and stoned and prayed when I woke up and realised it was too late. Grrrr. I think God is telling me that I am not ready yet. I'm still so shaky myself, what position am I in to be trying to save others? Save myself first, hah. It's getting drier and drier. I really really miss Jiehui, Lincoln, Chris and Kaiyan. Like, really. I regret all those times I ran away from caregroup and shephearding and fellowship. I was so stupid.


Sigh.


Shall discontinue less it gets more and more depressing.


God, guide me.


{/12:07 PM}
me


Thursday, May 05, 2005
Pra[i]se the LORD!!



"I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving."


What a feeling! Even though I did not sing in the choir, I still felt like I was a part of it, so it was an amazing feeling to see GOLD again, after the disappointment at Bremen. It was wonderful to see that the hard work of my juniors paying off. I'm sure there are some who feel disappointed that we did not get honors. But it's okay. They did their best, and that's what counts, isn't it? Blameless, not faultless. =)


To the year twos, it is time to start studying! But that does not mean you should stop singing either! Study hard, but sing hard as well. I don't think I have ever left the choir, even during the A level examinations themselves. So do go back to sing often, it is a refreshing way to relax after studying for long periods of time. And, join the alumni! Come back for carolling! We [the alumni] needs you! I've asked Miss Lim about next year's overseas trip and she said she "is planning" so yea! Hee~


To the year ones, even though I don't know most of you yet, I intend to. When the year twos are gone then perhaps I will have more opportunity to interact with you people. Continue singing hard, work for next year's competition! And do run for committee! Spread the infectious joy of of choral singing! =)


I seem to be using a lot of exclamation marks. Lol.


I am beginning to miss my CG a alot. All those practices at HCJC, where I would point and say "Oh we used to have CG there," or "Oh, this was where I was HS baptised." It's just so... sigh. Cannot say. Some things can be public, some are private, others can be shared with few. I'm just too lazy to update another private blog.


Everyone was super 'high' after SYF. Sang old songs on the bus. Then sang a lot of a capella with the guys. Everyone just freely harmonized, it was quite fun. We are just so talented la, anyhow sing also can sound good. Haha. More singing while waiting for people to get changed or gather. "Longest Time", "I Can See Clearly Now", "Ice Kachang", "Smooth Criminal", "Yesterday", "How Deep Is Your Love", and a lot more others. Haha rocks. Benghee go arrange stuff! =)


Went to Marche. Timmo Nat and Sher came to join us. Didn't eat much, except for that root beer and 1/3 of Jie's rosti. Wasn't hungry, and by that time the 'high-ness' was gone and there was this stupid headache so I was just zoning out. Bah. Left quite early, together with Jie. Treated her to soya bean, apparently because I 'betrayed' her. LOL! Jie! Don't cut you hair if not will look like tweety again!! Haha..


It was nice to see Timmo and Nat come back to choir at the end. Timmo is just like his old self, or even better. Even though I am happy to see him coming back and working so well with the choir people, I know that at some underground levels of my conscious I am in fact jealous of him. He's just so fluent, so musical, so charismatic, so inspirational. He just came in and took everyone by storm. He's friendly, everyone loves him. Oh well. I guess he's just like that, oh-so-likable, while I am more of an 'acquire taste'. Haha. Working with the choir has been quite an experience, all the way down to that last minute drama on friday night, in which I discovered just how much some people dislike me, which was quite depressing. Shit. I bet once people find out I'm actually psuedo-ly 'in-charge' of the alumni's music affairs nobody would join. Haha. Crap. >_<

(I have no idea what happened to the rest of the post. It just disappeared.)


{/12:50 PM}
me