Exerpt

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It is far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the true worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

You’re going to have a busy life. Thank goodness there’s no life expectancy.

{/1:52 AM}

me

Dr Fabian asked me, "Where's your girlfriend?"

I said, "She's not, I'm not that lucky."

And he said, "Keep trying."

And I said, "I'm tired."

And he said, "It'll be worth it."

{/9:29 PM}

me

A lot has happened since I last blogged.

But I can't seem to remember much.

Watched Phantom of the Opera. It was good.

NJChoir got Gold with Honours. Well done and they totally deserved it.

Miss Lim is thinking of starting a choir. I hope it happens soon.

{/1:01 AM}

me

Singapore Youth Festival Central Judging for Choirs for Secondary Schools has officially ended.

This year I have considerable interest in the Secondary Schools' competition. While I was still a student, the then Chinese High School had no choir, so I didn't really care about how the secondary schools did then. This year is different though. I helped coached both Chinese High and Anderson Secondary, so I had SOME stake in the competitions.

Miss Lim was nice enough to secure me "Instructor" passes, so I was basically there for the whole duration of the competition, together with Cherie and sometimes Krystal.

...

Ok, I cannot stand keeping it in anymore.

...

ANDERSON GOT GOLD WITH HONOURS!

WOOT! Congrats to Lao Niang! Well of course, me and Cherie had a little contribution. Haha! I am really happy for them. It was quite a nervous time waiting for the results with Ms Yeo and Yee Cheng and Cherie. I'm so proud of them! They sang really well that day. =)

And I thought things couldn't get any better.

But...

CHINESE HIGH GOT GOLD!

Wow! That was like, completely unexpected! For a first-time choir, where they had around 10 members 6 months ago, it's quite unbelievable that they managed to get Gold. Mr Yong and Miss Lim both super happy. I was too shocked to feel anything. I thought it was perhaps a good enough for Silver. But the results were announced and when I heard "Hwa Chong Institution, Gold", my jaw literally dropped. Lol. Damn happy for them too. And, again, me and Ern Theng made a little contribution. =)

Here are the more significant results:

Gold with Honours:

1) Catholic High School (Kwei)
2) Dunmen Secondary School (Toh)
3) River Valley High School (Tham)
4) Anderson Secondary School (Lim)
5) Tanjong Katong Secondary School (Kwei)
6) Anglican High School (Terrence)
7) Tanjong Katong Girls School (Lim)
8) Raffles Girls School (Anna Loo)
9) St Nicholas Girls School (Lim)
10) Nanyang Girls High School (Lim)

I guess Miss Lim wins! =)

Gold:

1) Victoria School
2) Holy Innocent Secondary School
3) Fairfield Methodist Secondary School
4) Xinmin Secondary School
5) Chung Cheng High School (Main)
6) Bedok South Secondary School
7) Raffles Institution
8) Commonwealth Secondary School
9) Singapore Chinese Girls School
10) Nan Chiau Secondary School
11) Pasir Ris Secondary School
12) Cedar Girls Secondary School
13) CHIJ Toa Payoh
14) Methodist Girls School
15) St Gabriel Secondary School
16) Hwa Chong Institution (High School)

Well, it has been fun watching the competition. Looking forward to the JC one!

{/9:47 PM}

me

I guess I should stop feeling sorry for myself.

I hate self-pitying people anyway, so I shall not commit that error myself.

I mean, shit happens, right. I'm sure every single day there are countless other guys out there being rejected. I just happen to be one of them. No big deal.

And isn't love supposed to be selfless? Isn't it suppose to be about her best interest? Isn't it about giving despite not receiving?

It's hard, no doubt. I didn't know I could feel like this. It's hard because she sees me as nothing more than a friend. It's hard because I have to stand by and watch her suffer being bullied and there's nothing I can do.

I guess I invested my feelings too early, too much. I thought she felt something for me. I thought there was a chance, so I took it. Guess not.

What's worse is since she has pretty much been the only one I've been talking to all these while, now that things are this way between us I have no one else to turn to. I'm troubled, sad, miserable, confused and conflicted, and I have nobody to tell.

Ah crap.

Well, it was fun teaching Anderson Secondary and TCHS, I suppose. Anderson more than TCHS. Haha. The difference is numbers. With Anderson every week I go I get to see the Tenors and Basses of a choir that is of considerable size, and then I get to do combine with everyone too, so it feels like I'm actually fulfilling an instructor's role instead of merely being a glorified SL. But with TCHS, I see somewhere around 10 Tenors every week, occasionally see some Baritones, and never the basses at all.

Also, not to mention, the TCHS boys are... Difficult. In terms of caliber, but in terms of attitude as well. Every time I try to teach some singing technique, or some principle or another, without fail there will be 2 or 3 boys rolling their eyes, going "Yeah, right...". I mean, duh?

Well SYF's starting next week so I guess that's the end of my "career". I'll most likely be watching all the secondary school competing seeing as Miss Lim has gotten me an instructor's pass. I'll probably die of boredom listening to "Everyone Sang" so many times. But I'll probably have fun too giving grades and seeing how accurate I am.

Hopefully I'll get a pass for the JC competition too. I mean, that's where all the real action is, anyway. NJ has a good chance of honours this year, I think. Hopefully they won't disappoint.

What I am dreading is the alumni and Cantab. I don't really work well with them, and we don't really see eye to eye on many things. The way things are going is just not what I have in mind. The only reason I'm still sticking around is because I'm hoping to go overseas again next year, provided Miss Lim and the teachers manage to find a festival that is between the May-July period. I just want to sing in a proper choir again. And win. Haha.

Well the outgoing year 2s are a rather nice bunch...mostly. So hopefully they will join the alumni and tag along next year for the competition too. I guess it's too much to hope for people like Honseng, CY, Sher, etc.. to go.

Now I shall go play Starcraft. Bye.

{/1:10 AM}

me

Seek not to be consoled, but to console;

Not to be understood, but to understand;

Not to be loved, but to love.

{/5:26 PM}

me

Oh, it hurts alright.

Why else would I spend the day sleeping?

There are many advantages, being asleep, as compared to being awake. You don't feel the pain. You don't feel the sorrow. You can avoid thinking about the complicated things. You can put off making a decision.

There are the dreams, of course. But at least you know that the dreams are not real.

The pain's real.

I knew it would come down to this, but that doesn't make things hurt any less, does it.

In the end I'm still not good enough, no matter what I do.

Every decision I make from now onwards will hurt. There isn't an option left open for me that does not hurt in one way or another. I wish I can be selfish but I can't.

What's best for me? No.

What's best for you.

You.

{/3:21 AM}

me