Sunday, May 15, 2005
n[o]n-conformist
I have always comtemplated about having a private blog where I can just pour out my feelings without feeling restrictive or anything. I have done that a few times, locking my blog with passwords and stuff. Then I realise that it was all quite pointless. If nobody reads then why do I bother to write things down when I can just keep them to myself? Having a blog is precisly for the sole reason of using it as an alternative of having a close friend to pour everything out to. Not as if I will be going through my archives very often. And it's quite stupid to tell people "I've got a blog, but it's private nyah nyah!!". Oops. No offence to people with private blogs. That's just my own take on things.
So I'm just going to continue writing everything here. Some things can't be said, but as much as possible everything I type here will be from my heart and with as little holding back as I can. Sometimes my words can be harsh, or might say some things that may hurt some people. I figure that if the friendship is strong enough then it should be able to last no matter what I write.
Recently I had some problems in the office. I really saw it coming, because I know myself well. All the bad feelings and signs finally amounted to a confrontation. I'll spare the details but basically I said something that the person thought was very rude. I seriously thought it wasn't that rude, maybe just a bit, but I'm never the sort to sugar coat my words anyway. Anyway he blasted me and pointed his finger at me and kept spurting about how I was being rude and not respecting him as a senior and then going on to personal attacks like how he's always been getting along well with everyone else and how I was being a prick and all that. I apologised THREE times, and still he rambled on and on and started threatening me like asking me to watch out and stuff. I finally couldn't stand it anymore so I just ignored him. The next day my upper study talked to me in an attempt to calm things down, and he pointed out how some other people have been complaining about my attitude and how I was being anti-social and stuff. Which I kinda expected it anyway.
Anyway I couldn't care less whether or not I "fit in" to the rest of them. If I can be friends, good. If not, I'll settle for a purely professional relationship with them for the rest of my NS days. I'm not particularly keen on being "buddy-buddy" with people whose vocabulary is mostly limited to swear words and the occasional hokkien varieties. Especially the "christians" who seem to be equally vulgar. Really irritates me. I'm not saying I'm not vulgar. I used to be VERY vulgar. Now I try to control myself as much as I can, to really think before speaking, to control my temper and not swear on impulse and regret it later. It's not easy but I trust in God. Anyhow, I am so NOT going to "go with the flow" and start swearing and cussing just so I can "fit into the crowd" and be "less anti-social". I hate being something or someone I am not. If this leaves me friendless in the office for the rest of my 2 years then so be it. I shall seek comfort in the Lord.
I realise I am not a very popular person. Once upon a time I was extremely concerned about my "popularity" because I enjoy attention from people. It's a ego thing. It feels good to be in the center of attraction. It feels good when people praise you. It feels good to be appreciated and thanked for something or another. It feels good to know that people think alot of you. It feels good to know that you are important to people. But then I soon realised that my personality is such that it attracts a lot of hatred from people. I have been told that I am dao. I have been told that I am scary. I have been told that I am anti-social and non-cooperative. I have been told that I am proud to the point of being a prick. I have been told I am insensitive and rude. I have been told that I am irritating and annoying. It used to bother me a lot, and I have tried to be somebody I was not in front of others so that I would be more accepted. But now I no longer care much what other people think of me. Maybe they are right. I am anti-social and I am a prick. Maybe they are wrong. It doesn't matter. People who know me well and accept me as I am shall be people I treasure as close friends for the rest of my life.
Of course it is not easy to know me. I have people telling me they don't know me even after being friends with me for some time. I do not deny; I don't open up easily. It just feels very unsafe to open up to people. I don't like people to know me very well because I think that is quite scary. I will feel very vulnerable if somebody really knows me inside out, what I'm thinking and stuff like that.
Of course there are some people who knows me better than others, people whom I feel safer opening up to. Ashleigh knows me pretty well, I think. Enid used to know me pretty well, but that's all in the past already, which I very much regret, but I guess we have gone on with our different lives. Zhiwei knows me somewhat well. More towards the end of last year, where we started to talk more. Before that we never really talk much, him busy with canoeing and me with choir. Shermy used to know me well, back in the choir days I guess. Nowadays not much. Audrey doesn't know me well. Wenlin doesn't know me well either, even though I used to talk a lot to aud and even exchanged a bunch of letters with wenlin. I guess it's because what we talk about is always those pointless and mundane stuff, basically what we call "talking cock" which is quite pointless in my opinion. I much prefer serious conversations please.
There may be more but I won't keep listing. I'm not blaming anyone or what, just stating things. It feels GOOD to know that there are people who know me well, or well enough. I know that contradicts with what I said before but life is like that.
That being said I also try to know other people well, to step beyond the boundaries of casual friendship. But it's not an easy thing with me, because I am not the kind that can just walk up to anyone and strike conversations. It's a self-confidence issue, I guess. It's always "I don't think he'll want to talk to me about that", or "I think she is finding me boring/irritating/insert-negative-feeling-here".
Ahhh its past 1am already and I don't know what I am rambling on and on about.
Singing at Somerset MRT was fun.
I still can't believe she thinks she has let me down and that she's not a good enough friend to me. It's quite an insult, to both of us, I think. Friendship shouldn't be based on such things. Friends should never feel in debt to one another. Friends should never be stuck in the perpeptual cycle of trying to live up to one another's "expectations". Friendship should never be about "maybe I'm not being a good enough friend", or "I'm not doing enough as a friend". I am quite sad that after so long we still don't have that kind of mo4 qi4 that close friends should have. The understanding and connection. Maybe we're not as close as I think we are. If that's the case I hope to change that.
I am going to sleep. My head feels like there's an earthquake happening inside.
If you understood ZERO of what I wrote in this post, congrats, you are normal. I think if Sharon Phua reads this she will fail me for coherance and relavance. Hah.
{/12:36 AM}
me