Tuesday, May 31, 2005
sc[a]red
I'm scared.
Meeting with Junjie and Yuting and Chinyaw and Huacheng and Angela about alumni stuff. Went well, I guess. Can see that Junjie is very happy to be finally having people to share the responsibilities of the alumni with him. What I'm unsure of is what kind of a job we will do. Angela is, of course, super busy and stuff. Chinyaw is malaysian, and when he joins NTU choir he probably won't have much time left over for alumni. Huacheng, 1.5 years of NS to go. Lionel also. Moses also.
As for myself, I'm just filled with uncertainties. Suddenly I'm not so sure of myself anymore.
Will I be able to get people back for carolling? I told them, "Sure, no problem, I will get the year twos to come back", but will I really? Given my bad rep and infamous temper, I have serious doubts that anyone in the right mind would want to suffer under me ever again. In fact people HAVE told me that they have had enough of me. What if nobody comes back? It will be entirely my fault. I'm trying, and it's not easy. You think it's easy, going back to choir all these while? Wearing a thick skin and seeing all those weird looks from people, thinking that I have nothing better to do than to go back and disturb them? You think I enjoy shamelessly plugging myself to the choir, always bugging people about joining the alumni and coming for carolling? You think I don't feel out of place? Think again.
When I heard about the BBQ at Qianjin's place i thought, great, another chance to talk to those people about carolling, can use the chance to know the junior comm better also, share some experience, talk about plans for next year. But of course, I was told not to go. All the better, I guess. It is a new/old comm gathering anyway, what's an old outsider like me gotta do with that?
I dare say I have improved musically after spending time in HCV. But will that be enough? For the first time since I became SL 2 years ago, I am doubtful that I will be capable enough for the job. What if I can't do it? What if carolling is a flop because of me? I realise how easy it is to just sit in the background and criticise everybody on what they are doing wrong. Now that I am in charge, I'm no longer so sure of myself anymore. Be careful what you wish for, they say. Right. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who just can't wait for me to make a fool of myself.
I don't know how long I can keep holding on.
{/10:19 AM}
me